Yesterday morning was a rough one for me, but I somehow managed to pull myself out of the black fog of depression and self-pity. That episode stemmed from the night before, when my husband told me he was going to visit an old colleague on Friday, who now lives in a different state, and has spoken to him about a job offer with better pay. It was something he mentioned to me months ago, but I dismissed it because I had no desire to live there. He said "I have to explore my options, and you won't even have to move". That hit me like a punch to the stomach. ... A different state?
So naturally, I couldn't sleep that night. Began feeling sad. Then started thinking back to how this all went so very wrong. It continued through half of the next morning until I couldn't stand the "suffering" any longer. I started reading some inspirational books, including Laura Munson's memoir, and realized I was thinking about this from the worst perspective. Instead of thinking how this all went wrong, I steered my thoughts into trying to remember when everything was right. I started thinking back to guy I fell for, and the girl I was before children... when we were so close, in love, and having so much fun together. It's obvious he has changed, much due to his self-loathing and loss of pride. But I see how much I have changed too, due to not only becoming a mother, but also to our struggling financial circumstances. I know that I cannot change him back, but I have the power to find myself again. I want to be that fun and sexy girl I once was, only this time with children. I see now how I became so clouded with seriousness - he is not the only one who has lost himself.
So I made a commitment to myself, to find that girl again. I want to be her. Fun and fun-loving, sexy and happy. So what if I have a pile of crap in my lap right now? So what if I'm a week away from being a mother of 2? Wouldn't I be better off feeling like that girl, than wallowing in self-pity? I will take responsibility for my own happiness, even if my husband doesn't for his. To kick-start myself toward that girl, I started looking at all our old pictures on the computer. The ones back before the baby and business downfall. Instantly I saw how close we were, how happy we were, how adoring he looked at me, and how much in love we were. Looking at those pictures enabled me to remember what it was that drew us to each other in the first place. If only he could see that too.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Confusion
Very little sleep last night. Thoughts have just been swirling in my head, leaving me feeling confused and exhausted. It's so hard to sleep next to him, watching him lying there, asleep, with his shirt off but yet I'm not able to reach out and touch him. That kind of restraint feels like chains on my arms. It is difficult to comprehend that sometimes, especially when I think of the very night before all of this exploded in my life, and how I could freely hug and kiss him like I always have.
My thoughts flew from the current disaffection, to feeling undesirable and wondering how I lost his love, to how am I going to get through this, then back to trying to get myself centered and detached from the outcome. I realized that I have abandonment issues and this is one of my greatest fears become reality.
Today my thoughts reflect back to times that were great, when we were in-love and he adored me, to when we were carefree and had so much fun together... before the baby, before the neverending journey of trials. I think, why? Why are we the one who had to go through all these obstacles? Maybe if he had found success early on, we wouldn't be in this situation of pain and sadness today?
But I know that I cannot continue on with that thinking. It will resolve nothing. I know in my heart, that this is something he has to work out for himself.
.... It just sucks.
My thoughts flew from the current disaffection, to feeling undesirable and wondering how I lost his love, to how am I going to get through this, then back to trying to get myself centered and detached from the outcome. I realized that I have abandonment issues and this is one of my greatest fears become reality.
Today my thoughts reflect back to times that were great, when we were in-love and he adored me, to when we were carefree and had so much fun together... before the baby, before the neverending journey of trials. I think, why? Why are we the one who had to go through all these obstacles? Maybe if he had found success early on, we wouldn't be in this situation of pain and sadness today?
But I know that I cannot continue on with that thinking. It will resolve nothing. I know in my heart, that this is something he has to work out for himself.
.... It just sucks.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Negative Flow
This morning I am having a moment of weakness. I wanted so badly to hack into his email account and see what I can find. But what would this resolve? Nothing would change whether I found some "evidence" or not. All it would do is cause more problems because it is an act based on insecurity. So I decide against it. I commit to only acts based on love. That is more for my peace and harmony than anything else.
I realize that you may need a little background to my story, to my husband and our relationship, in order for you to fully understand what is going with us in this present situation. Almost 3 years ago, my husband's business endeavor with a "friend" fizzled out. Basically, he got the "short end of the stick" or swindled, depending on your perspective. He lost a lot of money, not to mention a job and his time, energy, heart and sweat that he put into building this business for 2 solid years. He believed in it and wanted to see it grow. Being from the Mid-west, he just trusted someone more than he should have, without putting any legal protection on his own interests. (You see, I'm from NY, so protecting one's legal interests is what I've learned from a young age.) Since he was pushed out of the business, without even being bought out, he grew increasingly angry and bitter by the day. And this was all around the time when the economy went South and people were losing jobs every day. After a few months of pounding the pavement looking to start a new career, his determination grew thin. Around this time, is when we found out I was pregnant with our now 2 year old son. The pressure of providing for a family when success is so very important to him, as it is to most men, put him on a track of self-loathing, feeling like a failure and a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior.
There are times when he seemed to "recover" from this state. He got a job in medical sales, which lifted his spirits a little. But due to the failing economy, he wasn't able to achieve the success he hoped for. He went through too many interviews, and did labor type jobs to get by. His attitude grew increasingly worse and affected our relationship greatly. I understood his pain and tried to support him and us (both emotionally and financially) the best I could, while caring for a new baby. He was just never able to believe in himself after that and stopped loving himself. And as obvious as it is, if you can't love yourself, how you can love someone else? He was basically "hanging on" to life and moving forward, simply for our son. And he told me this many times. He also did anything he could to "push" me away because he felt I could do better, or he was dragging me down. Still, I stuck by him. I believed in him and I loved him, even if he didn't feel that way about himself.
One thing I know for sure, is that men need their work. They need something they can be proud of, something to be passionate about. My husband does not have this, and I've known it for a long time. He just doesn't know it, or maybe he doesn't know how to attain it, and that is the root to his issues.
Let's fast forward to our move here, to WI from NC. He finally found a job in banking. Not the industry he wanted to enter (he has been there and done that) but it was a stable job and we needed it. I looked at it like a fresh start and it seemed like he did too. New home, new environment, new opportunities, new memories to make with my husband. But shortly after our move here, we found out I was pregnant with our second child. That did not help matters with our "fresh start". Instead it put even more pressure on him, to find financial and career success. We were living on a tight budget during our first few months here, and in that time he was forced to let go of his truck and our condo in NC because we could no longer afford to hold on to those. I believe these last 2 trials to be the tipping point for him. I believe that is why he began reaching out to other outlets and new people, so he could pretend to be "someone else". He became irritated, distant, detached... barely acknowledging that he had another baby on the way, a daughter. He only acknowledged our son. His one joy in life. But I can see now, that at his darkest times, even that felt like a burden to him.
When all of this blew up and the truth was finally revealed to me, I discovered how truly ill he was or is. He was in a black hole of negativity with evil forces holding him there. He lost touch with his faith, and the will to see the blessings he had in his life. This issue was so obvious to me. To him, he blamed me and our family, as the reasons that were holding him back from success in life. He said he never wanted me, he never wanted these pregnancies. I will honestly tell you, that is a knife to your heart to hear statements like that, even if you know that is the pain, anger and frustration talking. I held my tongue. He has been on the wrong path, and I've known it. I just didn't know how to help him.
And so I prayed. I prayed for God to guide my actions and words and thoughts toward helping him become positive again. Toward walking closer to God, and to be able to see that he already has blessings and happiness in his life - he just needs to open his heart and mind. That's when I got the idea that maybe there is negative energy in our home that may be holding him back from progress. So I contacted an energy space cleanser, Annette Rugolo, and had her do a reading and a dowsing on my home and each one of us in this family. She detected a negative force (also called a vortex) within our family room, which ironically is where most of our fights have occurred, as well as much of his cold, depressed behavior. She said that I was the most positive one in the home and was not affected by this force, but the entity had attached itself to my husband, on his left side because he was the most vulnerable one in our home. (In Asian cultures, they believe all evil enters through the left side of your body). And that it had "diminished" him. She went on to explain that this meant that it kept him repeating his same cycle of negativity, that he would have no chance of personal growth, he would continue to make negative choices that would attract evil to him (I can't even tell you the type of incidents that have happened to him this year, including being jumped by a gang of Asian guys one night after drinking). She characterized his recent behavior to me to a tee. It was both insightful and freaky to hear a complete stranger perfectly describe to me what has been going on in our home. As if she had witnessed it all along like I have.
So, on Friday she dowsed our home and his energy field. This includes me placing a copper energy ring on our floor where the vortex is, to change the flow to positive. I had to tell my husband that this ring was for my meditation and energy flow and was not to be removed, ever. I know, I know, I sound totally whacky. But when you are fighting for your family and your children's future happiness, you will do anything! I finally understand this. She told me to watch his behavior over the next few days because I should see changes for the positive. The goal would be to see the "old Dave" come back. Ahhh, wouldn't that be lovely?
So far, my report on the dowsing is this: I feel better that I was able to come up with some type of creative response to my present situation. I feel better that I am trying to help my husband get out of his negative state (even if it's without his knowledge). And I have noticed that he is far less negative and cold and detached toward me and us. I am hoping that he will get to a point where he will be open to let positive reflections of love, God and his blessings enter his mind, instead of being so closed off to these thoughts like he has been for so long. So for now, I am taking mental notes on any changes I see and I am careful not to say too much to him. I am trying my best to remain detached from any outcome. I am being thankful that he is still in our home and for whatever time we... my son gets with him.
I now fully understand why women who are on the brink of divorce, fight so hard to keep their family together. It's not about yourself, it's more about your children, their happiness, and your family as a whole. Yes, I love my husband and want so much for us to have the love and happiness we once shared together. I want him to adore me again like he used to. But I also know, that even if that didn't happen, that I am strong and I would be fine. It's my children I'm sad for. I watch the way my son looks at his father like he's a superhero, even at the tender age of 2. How happy he is to get even 20 minutes of playtime with him, whether it's wrestling or watching football. And the thought of him not having that on a daily basis breaks my heart into pieces. Then to think that my daughter might never know what it's like to have both parents in the same home, to have one whole family.... the thought is too painful to think about.
I realize that you may need a little background to my story, to my husband and our relationship, in order for you to fully understand what is going with us in this present situation. Almost 3 years ago, my husband's business endeavor with a "friend" fizzled out. Basically, he got the "short end of the stick" or swindled, depending on your perspective. He lost a lot of money, not to mention a job and his time, energy, heart and sweat that he put into building this business for 2 solid years. He believed in it and wanted to see it grow. Being from the Mid-west, he just trusted someone more than he should have, without putting any legal protection on his own interests. (You see, I'm from NY, so protecting one's legal interests is what I've learned from a young age.) Since he was pushed out of the business, without even being bought out, he grew increasingly angry and bitter by the day. And this was all around the time when the economy went South and people were losing jobs every day. After a few months of pounding the pavement looking to start a new career, his determination grew thin. Around this time, is when we found out I was pregnant with our now 2 year old son. The pressure of providing for a family when success is so very important to him, as it is to most men, put him on a track of self-loathing, feeling like a failure and a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior.
There are times when he seemed to "recover" from this state. He got a job in medical sales, which lifted his spirits a little. But due to the failing economy, he wasn't able to achieve the success he hoped for. He went through too many interviews, and did labor type jobs to get by. His attitude grew increasingly worse and affected our relationship greatly. I understood his pain and tried to support him and us (both emotionally and financially) the best I could, while caring for a new baby. He was just never able to believe in himself after that and stopped loving himself. And as obvious as it is, if you can't love yourself, how you can love someone else? He was basically "hanging on" to life and moving forward, simply for our son. And he told me this many times. He also did anything he could to "push" me away because he felt I could do better, or he was dragging me down. Still, I stuck by him. I believed in him and I loved him, even if he didn't feel that way about himself.
One thing I know for sure, is that men need their work. They need something they can be proud of, something to be passionate about. My husband does not have this, and I've known it for a long time. He just doesn't know it, or maybe he doesn't know how to attain it, and that is the root to his issues.
Let's fast forward to our move here, to WI from NC. He finally found a job in banking. Not the industry he wanted to enter (he has been there and done that) but it was a stable job and we needed it. I looked at it like a fresh start and it seemed like he did too. New home, new environment, new opportunities, new memories to make with my husband. But shortly after our move here, we found out I was pregnant with our second child. That did not help matters with our "fresh start". Instead it put even more pressure on him, to find financial and career success. We were living on a tight budget during our first few months here, and in that time he was forced to let go of his truck and our condo in NC because we could no longer afford to hold on to those. I believe these last 2 trials to be the tipping point for him. I believe that is why he began reaching out to other outlets and new people, so he could pretend to be "someone else". He became irritated, distant, detached... barely acknowledging that he had another baby on the way, a daughter. He only acknowledged our son. His one joy in life. But I can see now, that at his darkest times, even that felt like a burden to him.
When all of this blew up and the truth was finally revealed to me, I discovered how truly ill he was or is. He was in a black hole of negativity with evil forces holding him there. He lost touch with his faith, and the will to see the blessings he had in his life. This issue was so obvious to me. To him, he blamed me and our family, as the reasons that were holding him back from success in life. He said he never wanted me, he never wanted these pregnancies. I will honestly tell you, that is a knife to your heart to hear statements like that, even if you know that is the pain, anger and frustration talking. I held my tongue. He has been on the wrong path, and I've known it. I just didn't know how to help him.
And so I prayed. I prayed for God to guide my actions and words and thoughts toward helping him become positive again. Toward walking closer to God, and to be able to see that he already has blessings and happiness in his life - he just needs to open his heart and mind. That's when I got the idea that maybe there is negative energy in our home that may be holding him back from progress. So I contacted an energy space cleanser, Annette Rugolo, and had her do a reading and a dowsing on my home and each one of us in this family. She detected a negative force (also called a vortex) within our family room, which ironically is where most of our fights have occurred, as well as much of his cold, depressed behavior. She said that I was the most positive one in the home and was not affected by this force, but the entity had attached itself to my husband, on his left side because he was the most vulnerable one in our home. (In Asian cultures, they believe all evil enters through the left side of your body). And that it had "diminished" him. She went on to explain that this meant that it kept him repeating his same cycle of negativity, that he would have no chance of personal growth, he would continue to make negative choices that would attract evil to him (I can't even tell you the type of incidents that have happened to him this year, including being jumped by a gang of Asian guys one night after drinking). She characterized his recent behavior to me to a tee. It was both insightful and freaky to hear a complete stranger perfectly describe to me what has been going on in our home. As if she had witnessed it all along like I have.
So, on Friday she dowsed our home and his energy field. This includes me placing a copper energy ring on our floor where the vortex is, to change the flow to positive. I had to tell my husband that this ring was for my meditation and energy flow and was not to be removed, ever. I know, I know, I sound totally whacky. But when you are fighting for your family and your children's future happiness, you will do anything! I finally understand this. She told me to watch his behavior over the next few days because I should see changes for the positive. The goal would be to see the "old Dave" come back. Ahhh, wouldn't that be lovely?
So far, my report on the dowsing is this: I feel better that I was able to come up with some type of creative response to my present situation. I feel better that I am trying to help my husband get out of his negative state (even if it's without his knowledge). And I have noticed that he is far less negative and cold and detached toward me and us. I am hoping that he will get to a point where he will be open to let positive reflections of love, God and his blessings enter his mind, instead of being so closed off to these thoughts like he has been for so long. So for now, I am taking mental notes on any changes I see and I am careful not to say too much to him. I am trying my best to remain detached from any outcome. I am being thankful that he is still in our home and for whatever time we... my son gets with him.
I now fully understand why women who are on the brink of divorce, fight so hard to keep their family together. It's not about yourself, it's more about your children, their happiness, and your family as a whole. Yes, I love my husband and want so much for us to have the love and happiness we once shared together. I want him to adore me again like he used to. But I also know, that even if that didn't happen, that I am strong and I would be fine. It's my children I'm sad for. I watch the way my son looks at his father like he's a superhero, even at the tender age of 2. How happy he is to get even 20 minutes of playtime with him, whether it's wrestling or watching football. And the thought of him not having that on a daily basis breaks my heart into pieces. Then to think that my daughter might never know what it's like to have both parents in the same home, to have one whole family.... the thought is too painful to think about.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Acceptance
Considering all that is going on with me regarding my marriage, I have remained surprisingly centered, calm and strong these past few days. This is largely due to my recent commitment to "let go and let God". Or in the words of Deepak Chopra, "The Law of Detachment".
I have accepted the hand I've been dealt, or the situation as it is in this moment. Trust me, this is no easy task for me. Just a few years ago, "accepting" a situation such as this would have been impossible for me. I used to believe that to get the outcome you desire, you must "make it happen".
I've always been a faithful person, growing up with a grandmother who was Spanish Catholic and constantly praying with her Rosaries, and therefore have always believed in the power of faith and prayer. However, over the last couple years, I started broadening my approach to spiritualism and have become an avid reader of writings on inspiration, living in spirit, meditation and the like. So when I began searching the internet for any hope on how I can deal with my flailing marriage, I came across Laura Munson's essay in the NY Times. It struck me instantly when I read her words "to end suffering, is to end wanting". It was in that moment that all my readings, my faith in God, my desire to end my own suffering converged and I knew what I must do. I must accept. I cannot change what has been done, and I cannot change my husband's words or feelings. I cannot make him love me if he doesn't. I cannot make him stay if he wants to leave. All I can do is not let this take me down. Once I realized this, I became calm and peaceful and resolved to detach myself from the outcome of this problem. Believe me when I say that Deepak Chopra delivers some pretty powerful thoughts.
In Chopra's Law of Detachment, he states that there is "wisdom in uncertainty". That in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, we must relinquish our attachment to it. Attachment is based on insecurity, and the search for security in our life is an illusion. You can wish for the future to be like your desires, but your attention must stay in the present.
So at this point, I have committed to only doing what I can for myself, my children and my husband with our present situation. My desire, like most mother's, is preservation of family, to have a loving marriage, and for my husband to find his "old self" again. For he has been lost in a state of negativity, self-loathing, and self-destruct for far too long. That is another story for another day though.
I have accepted the hand I've been dealt, or the situation as it is in this moment. Trust me, this is no easy task for me. Just a few years ago, "accepting" a situation such as this would have been impossible for me. I used to believe that to get the outcome you desire, you must "make it happen".
I've always been a faithful person, growing up with a grandmother who was Spanish Catholic and constantly praying with her Rosaries, and therefore have always believed in the power of faith and prayer. However, over the last couple years, I started broadening my approach to spiritualism and have become an avid reader of writings on inspiration, living in spirit, meditation and the like. So when I began searching the internet for any hope on how I can deal with my flailing marriage, I came across Laura Munson's essay in the NY Times. It struck me instantly when I read her words "to end suffering, is to end wanting". It was in that moment that all my readings, my faith in God, my desire to end my own suffering converged and I knew what I must do. I must accept. I cannot change what has been done, and I cannot change my husband's words or feelings. I cannot make him love me if he doesn't. I cannot make him stay if he wants to leave. All I can do is not let this take me down. Once I realized this, I became calm and peaceful and resolved to detach myself from the outcome of this problem. Believe me when I say that Deepak Chopra delivers some pretty powerful thoughts.
In Chopra's Law of Detachment, he states that there is "wisdom in uncertainty". That in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, we must relinquish our attachment to it. Attachment is based on insecurity, and the search for security in our life is an illusion. You can wish for the future to be like your desires, but your attention must stay in the present.
So at this point, I have committed to only doing what I can for myself, my children and my husband with our present situation. My desire, like most mother's, is preservation of family, to have a loving marriage, and for my husband to find his "old self" again. For he has been lost in a state of negativity, self-loathing, and self-destruct for far too long. That is another story for another day though.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day 14
It has been exactly 2 weeks ago today, that a huge and unexpected bomb was dropped in my lap. Since that moment, the life I thought I knew, has since fallen apart at the seams, revealing it's ugly insides. Naturally, I had a difficult time dealing and coping with the situation I found myself in, and I immediately began searching the web for any type of relief, help or understanding.
I found strength in words from Chopra and The Law of Detachment, from the words of author Laura Munson in her book, "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is", to meditating on inner calmness, and also from active solutions such as "smudging" my home with sage to bring in good energy, as well as hiring an energy cleanser for my home. Simply put, yes, at this point, I will try anything. Which leads me to where I'm at in this moment - about to start a blog about how I am trying to cope with one of the most difficult trials of my life. My goal is to create a therapeutic action for myself. One where I can release these feelings into the universe so they are not sitting inside me, eating away at my current delicate spirit.
You see, 2 weeks ago today, on September 24th, my husband shockingly told me that he doesn't love me and wants "out" of our marriage and this "home life" we created. That it was my dream, not his. While that is very difficult for any woman who loves her husband to hear, let's add in the facts that I am home caring for our toddler son who just celebrated his 2nd birthday last week, I am 9 months pregnant with our second baby, and since relocating to the Mid-West for his job, I do not have any type of support system here. I'm alone and now my husband wants to leave us.
I know you are wondering what on Earth happened or was said to bring this out into, what I thought was, our good marriage. I am unsure of the exact time-line, but maybe a few months after moving to our new home in the Milwaukee area, I began noticing negative changes in my husband. Distance, disaffection, short-tempered, which eventually led to him going out after work and on weekends, as well as being "over-protective" with his phone and texting constantly. I am neither naive nor blind and asked him in many ways over the last few months if there was something he was hiding, if I should be worried, if there is another girl in the picture... you get the point. Of course he denied every question pressed upon him, but still my intuition told me differently. I prayed for an answer, the truth, a sign. Each night in bed I would thank God for my blessings of family, of my children, husband, and home and declare my love for them. And still, the sinking feeling never left my body. So one morning, that very Friday morning 2 weeks ago, I awoke and had this need to check our phone records online.
As I scanned the phone records showing dates and numbers, there was a feeling of instant panic as I saw the same number over and over, at all times of the day and on weekends, and in both text and phone calls, and in that moment I knew. I knew that it was something that both terrified me, yet compelled me to find out everything I could. And I did. One good thing about living in the age of internet social connections is that it is very easy to find people. I left her a voicemail - not angry and filled with obscenities (like some of my friends gladly would have done in my shoes) and not desperate filled with pleading sobs. One that was very direct and matter-of-fact and filled with the truth that I did indeed love my husband and I was indeed 9 months pregnant with our second child. I suppose my point was to just let her know that I existed, that I was real, that yes, he has a wife and children.
Of course my calls to him that morning and day were very different. Angry, sobbing, pleading. You name it, I felt it and acted it out. That night he came home from work to "talk". He admitted to some sort of "relationship" with this girl, but denied any intimacy. I still haven't decided what to believe on that level, but I did decide to push her out of the equation I was dealing with. This was and is, much more than some girl. Then he told me he didn't love me, "hated" his life, didn't want these "pregnancies", and other hurtful things that I could not even focus on. I barely remember anything past "I don't love you". Over that weekend and the last two weeks, my emotions have run the gamut. Moving from times of strength and positivity, to bouts of anger and rage, then flowing into episodes of weakness and sadness.
Somehow we managed to successfully pull off a 2 year old's birthday party, and spend the weekend watching my in-laws share in their only grandchild's milestone. Then during the last few days, I watched the anger soften. It became confusion and depression masked by an air of "going through the motions". Then last night I finally saw my opportunity. A chance to get my husband to open up and talk without anger or defensiveness. And so we did. It wasn't happy or hope-filled, but at least it was honest and respectful.
At this point, I do not know what will happen down the road and I have committed to "not attaching to the outcome" of this problem. I accept things as they are in this moment, and hope for some positive outcome. Hoping for a miracle.
It's time for me to go meditate on peace and inner calm. I will tell you more tomorrow.
I found strength in words from Chopra and The Law of Detachment, from the words of author Laura Munson in her book, "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is", to meditating on inner calmness, and also from active solutions such as "smudging" my home with sage to bring in good energy, as well as hiring an energy cleanser for my home. Simply put, yes, at this point, I will try anything. Which leads me to where I'm at in this moment - about to start a blog about how I am trying to cope with one of the most difficult trials of my life. My goal is to create a therapeutic action for myself. One where I can release these feelings into the universe so they are not sitting inside me, eating away at my current delicate spirit.
You see, 2 weeks ago today, on September 24th, my husband shockingly told me that he doesn't love me and wants "out" of our marriage and this "home life" we created. That it was my dream, not his. While that is very difficult for any woman who loves her husband to hear, let's add in the facts that I am home caring for our toddler son who just celebrated his 2nd birthday last week, I am 9 months pregnant with our second baby, and since relocating to the Mid-West for his job, I do not have any type of support system here. I'm alone and now my husband wants to leave us.
I know you are wondering what on Earth happened or was said to bring this out into, what I thought was, our good marriage. I am unsure of the exact time-line, but maybe a few months after moving to our new home in the Milwaukee area, I began noticing negative changes in my husband. Distance, disaffection, short-tempered, which eventually led to him going out after work and on weekends, as well as being "over-protective" with his phone and texting constantly. I am neither naive nor blind and asked him in many ways over the last few months if there was something he was hiding, if I should be worried, if there is another girl in the picture... you get the point. Of course he denied every question pressed upon him, but still my intuition told me differently. I prayed for an answer, the truth, a sign. Each night in bed I would thank God for my blessings of family, of my children, husband, and home and declare my love for them. And still, the sinking feeling never left my body. So one morning, that very Friday morning 2 weeks ago, I awoke and had this need to check our phone records online.
As I scanned the phone records showing dates and numbers, there was a feeling of instant panic as I saw the same number over and over, at all times of the day and on weekends, and in both text and phone calls, and in that moment I knew. I knew that it was something that both terrified me, yet compelled me to find out everything I could. And I did. One good thing about living in the age of internet social connections is that it is very easy to find people. I left her a voicemail - not angry and filled with obscenities (like some of my friends gladly would have done in my shoes) and not desperate filled with pleading sobs. One that was very direct and matter-of-fact and filled with the truth that I did indeed love my husband and I was indeed 9 months pregnant with our second child. I suppose my point was to just let her know that I existed, that I was real, that yes, he has a wife and children.
Of course my calls to him that morning and day were very different. Angry, sobbing, pleading. You name it, I felt it and acted it out. That night he came home from work to "talk". He admitted to some sort of "relationship" with this girl, but denied any intimacy. I still haven't decided what to believe on that level, but I did decide to push her out of the equation I was dealing with. This was and is, much more than some girl. Then he told me he didn't love me, "hated" his life, didn't want these "pregnancies", and other hurtful things that I could not even focus on. I barely remember anything past "I don't love you". Over that weekend and the last two weeks, my emotions have run the gamut. Moving from times of strength and positivity, to bouts of anger and rage, then flowing into episodes of weakness and sadness.
Somehow we managed to successfully pull off a 2 year old's birthday party, and spend the weekend watching my in-laws share in their only grandchild's milestone. Then during the last few days, I watched the anger soften. It became confusion and depression masked by an air of "going through the motions". Then last night I finally saw my opportunity. A chance to get my husband to open up and talk without anger or defensiveness. And so we did. It wasn't happy or hope-filled, but at least it was honest and respectful.
At this point, I do not know what will happen down the road and I have committed to "not attaching to the outcome" of this problem. I accept things as they are in this moment, and hope for some positive outcome. Hoping for a miracle.
It's time for me to go meditate on peace and inner calm. I will tell you more tomorrow.
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