Very little sleep last night. Thoughts have just been swirling in my head, leaving me feeling confused and exhausted. It's so hard to sleep next to him, watching him lying there, asleep, with his shirt off but yet I'm not able to reach out and touch him. That kind of restraint feels like chains on my arms. It is difficult to comprehend that sometimes, especially when I think of the very night before all of this exploded in my life, and how I could freely hug and kiss him like I always have.
My thoughts flew from the current disaffection, to feeling undesirable and wondering how I lost his love, to how am I going to get through this, then back to trying to get myself centered and detached from the outcome. I realized that I have abandonment issues and this is one of my greatest fears become reality.
Today my thoughts reflect back to times that were great, when we were in-love and he adored me, to when we were carefree and had so much fun together... before the baby, before the neverending journey of trials. I think, why? Why are we the one who had to go through all these obstacles? Maybe if he had found success early on, we wouldn't be in this situation of pain and sadness today?
But I know that I cannot continue on with that thinking. It will resolve nothing. I know in my heart, that this is something he has to work out for himself.
.... It just sucks.
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