This morning I am having a moment of weakness. I wanted so badly to hack into his email account and see what I can find. But what would this resolve? Nothing would change whether I found some "evidence" or not. All it would do is cause more problems because it is an act based on insecurity. So I decide against it. I commit to only acts based on love. That is more for my peace and harmony than anything else.
I realize that you may need a little background to my story, to my husband and our relationship, in order for you to fully understand what is going with us in this present situation. Almost 3 years ago, my husband's business endeavor with a "friend" fizzled out. Basically, he got the "short end of the stick" or swindled, depending on your perspective. He lost a lot of money, not to mention a job and his time, energy, heart and sweat that he put into building this business for 2 solid years. He believed in it and wanted to see it grow. Being from the Mid-west, he just trusted someone more than he should have, without putting any legal protection on his own interests. (You see, I'm from NY, so protecting one's legal interests is what I've learned from a young age.) Since he was pushed out of the business, without even being bought out, he grew increasingly angry and bitter by the day. And this was all around the time when the economy went South and people were losing jobs every day. After a few months of pounding the pavement looking to start a new career, his determination grew thin. Around this time, is when we found out I was pregnant with our now 2 year old son. The pressure of providing for a family when success is so very important to him, as it is to most men, put him on a track of self-loathing, feeling like a failure and a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior.
There are times when he seemed to "recover" from this state. He got a job in medical sales, which lifted his spirits a little. But due to the failing economy, he wasn't able to achieve the success he hoped for. He went through too many interviews, and did labor type jobs to get by. His attitude grew increasingly worse and affected our relationship greatly. I understood his pain and tried to support him and us (both emotionally and financially) the best I could, while caring for a new baby. He was just never able to believe in himself after that and stopped loving himself. And as obvious as it is, if you can't love yourself, how you can love someone else? He was basically "hanging on" to life and moving forward, simply for our son. And he told me this many times. He also did anything he could to "push" me away because he felt I could do better, or he was dragging me down. Still, I stuck by him. I believed in him and I loved him, even if he didn't feel that way about himself.
One thing I know for sure, is that men need their work. They need something they can be proud of, something to be passionate about. My husband does not have this, and I've known it for a long time. He just doesn't know it, or maybe he doesn't know how to attain it, and that is the root to his issues.
Let's fast forward to our move here, to WI from NC. He finally found a job in banking. Not the industry he wanted to enter (he has been there and done that) but it was a stable job and we needed it. I looked at it like a fresh start and it seemed like he did too. New home, new environment, new opportunities, new memories to make with my husband. But shortly after our move here, we found out I was pregnant with our second child. That did not help matters with our "fresh start". Instead it put even more pressure on him, to find financial and career success. We were living on a tight budget during our first few months here, and in that time he was forced to let go of his truck and our condo in NC because we could no longer afford to hold on to those. I believe these last 2 trials to be the tipping point for him. I believe that is why he began reaching out to other outlets and new people, so he could pretend to be "someone else". He became irritated, distant, detached... barely acknowledging that he had another baby on the way, a daughter. He only acknowledged our son. His one joy in life. But I can see now, that at his darkest times, even that felt like a burden to him.
When all of this blew up and the truth was finally revealed to me, I discovered how truly ill he was or is. He was in a black hole of negativity with evil forces holding him there. He lost touch with his faith, and the will to see the blessings he had in his life. This issue was so obvious to me. To him, he blamed me and our family, as the reasons that were holding him back from success in life. He said he never wanted me, he never wanted these pregnancies. I will honestly tell you, that is a knife to your heart to hear statements like that, even if you know that is the pain, anger and frustration talking. I held my tongue. He has been on the wrong path, and I've known it. I just didn't know how to help him.
And so I prayed. I prayed for God to guide my actions and words and thoughts toward helping him become positive again. Toward walking closer to God, and to be able to see that he already has blessings and happiness in his life - he just needs to open his heart and mind. That's when I got the idea that maybe there is negative energy in our home that may be holding him back from progress. So I contacted an energy space cleanser, Annette Rugolo, and had her do a reading and a dowsing on my home and each one of us in this family. She detected a negative force (also called a vortex) within our family room, which ironically is where most of our fights have occurred, as well as much of his cold, depressed behavior. She said that I was the most positive one in the home and was not affected by this force, but the entity had attached itself to my husband, on his left side because he was the most vulnerable one in our home. (In Asian cultures, they believe all evil enters through the left side of your body). And that it had "diminished" him. She went on to explain that this meant that it kept him repeating his same cycle of negativity, that he would have no chance of personal growth, he would continue to make negative choices that would attract evil to him (I can't even tell you the type of incidents that have happened to him this year, including being jumped by a gang of Asian guys one night after drinking). She characterized his recent behavior to me to a tee. It was both insightful and freaky to hear a complete stranger perfectly describe to me what has been going on in our home. As if she had witnessed it all along like I have.
So, on Friday she dowsed our home and his energy field. This includes me placing a copper energy ring on our floor where the vortex is, to change the flow to positive. I had to tell my husband that this ring was for my meditation and energy flow and was not to be removed, ever. I know, I know, I sound totally whacky. But when you are fighting for your family and your children's future happiness, you will do anything! I finally understand this. She told me to watch his behavior over the next few days because I should see changes for the positive. The goal would be to see the "old Dave" come back. Ahhh, wouldn't that be lovely?
So far, my report on the dowsing is this: I feel better that I was able to come up with some type of creative response to my present situation. I feel better that I am trying to help my husband get out of his negative state (even if it's without his knowledge). And I have noticed that he is far less negative and cold and detached toward me and us. I am hoping that he will get to a point where he will be open to let positive reflections of love, God and his blessings enter his mind, instead of being so closed off to these thoughts like he has been for so long. So for now, I am taking mental notes on any changes I see and I am careful not to say too much to him. I am trying my best to remain detached from any outcome. I am being thankful that he is still in our home and for whatever time we... my son gets with him.
I now fully understand why women who are on the brink of divorce, fight so hard to keep their family together. It's not about yourself, it's more about your children, their happiness, and your family as a whole. Yes, I love my husband and want so much for us to have the love and happiness we once shared together. I want him to adore me again like he used to. But I also know, that even if that didn't happen, that I am strong and I would be fine. It's my children I'm sad for. I watch the way my son looks at his father like he's a superhero, even at the tender age of 2. How happy he is to get even 20 minutes of playtime with him, whether it's wrestling or watching football. And the thought of him not having that on a daily basis breaks my heart into pieces. Then to think that my daughter might never know what it's like to have both parents in the same home, to have one whole family.... the thought is too painful to think about.
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