Sad Episode

Yesterday morning was a rough one for me, but I somehow managed to pull myself out of the black fog of depression and self-pity. That episode stemmed from the night before, when my husband told me he was going to visit an old colleague on Friday, who now lives in a different state, and has spoken to him about a job offer with better pay. It was something he mentioned to me months ago, but I dismissed it because I had no desire to live there. He said "I have to explore my options, and you won't even have to move". That hit me like a punch to the stomach. ... A different state?

So naturally, I couldn't sleep that night. Began feeling sad. Then started thinking back to how this all went so very wrong. It continued through half of the next morning until I couldn't stand the "suffering" any longer. I started reading some inspirational books, including Laura Munson's memoir, and realized I was thinking about this from the worst perspective. Instead of thinking how this all went wrong, I steered my thoughts into trying to remember when everything was right. I started thinking back to guy I fell for, and the girl I was before children... when we were so close, in love, and having so much fun together. It's obvious he has changed, much due to his self-loathing and loss of pride. But I see how much I have changed too, due to not only becoming a mother, but also to our struggling financial circumstances. I know that I cannot change him back, but I have the power to find myself again. I want to be that fun and sexy girl I once was, only this time with children. I see now how I became so clouded with seriousness - he is not the only one who has lost himself.

So I made a commitment to myself, to find that girl again. I want to be her. Fun and fun-loving, sexy and happy. So what if I have a pile of crap in my lap right now? So what if I'm a week away from being a mother of 2? Wouldn't I be better off feeling like that girl, than wallowing in self-pity? I will take responsibility for my own happiness, even if my husband doesn't for his. To kick-start myself toward that girl, I started looking at all our old pictures on the computer. The ones back before the baby and business downfall. Instantly I saw how close we were, how happy we were, how adoring he looked at me, and how much in love we were. Looking at those pictures enabled me to remember what it was that drew us to each other in the first place. If only he could see that too.