Day 14

It has been exactly 2 weeks ago today, that a huge and unexpected bomb was dropped in my lap. Since that moment, the life I thought I knew, has since fallen apart at the seams, revealing it's ugly insides. Naturally, I had a difficult time dealing and coping with the situation I found myself in, and I immediately began searching the web for any type of relief, help or understanding.

I found strength in words from Chopra and The Law of Detachment, from the words of author Laura Munson in her book, "This Is Not The Story You Think It Is", to meditating on inner calmness, and also from active solutions such as "smudging" my home with sage to bring in good energy, as well as hiring an energy cleanser for my home. Simply put, yes, at this point, I will try anything. Which leads me to where I'm at in this moment - about to start a blog about how I am trying to cope with one of the most difficult trials of my life. My goal is to create a therapeutic action for myself. One where I can release these feelings into the universe so they are not sitting inside me, eating away at my current delicate spirit.

You see, 2 weeks ago today, on September 24th, my husband shockingly told me that he doesn't love me and wants "out" of our marriage and this "home life" we created. That it was my dream, not his. While that is very difficult for any woman who loves her husband to hear, let's add in the facts that I am home caring for our toddler son who just celebrated his 2nd birthday last week, I am 9 months pregnant with our second baby, and since relocating to the Mid-West for his job, I do not have any type of support system here. I'm alone and now my husband wants to leave us.

I know you are wondering what on Earth happened or was said to bring this out into, what I thought was, our good marriage. I am unsure of the exact time-line, but maybe a few months after moving to our new home in the Milwaukee area, I began noticing negative changes in my husband. Distance, disaffection, short-tempered, which eventually led to him going out after work and on weekends, as well as being "over-protective" with his phone and texting constantly. I am neither naive nor blind and asked him in many ways over the last few months if there was something he was hiding, if I should be worried, if there is another girl in the picture... you get the point. Of course he denied every question pressed upon him, but still my intuition told me differently. I prayed for an answer, the truth, a sign. Each night in bed I would thank God for my blessings of family, of my children, husband, and home and declare my love for them. And still, the sinking feeling never left my body. So one morning, that very Friday morning 2 weeks ago, I awoke and had this need to check our phone records online.

As I scanned the phone records showing dates and numbers, there was a feeling of instant panic as I saw the same number over and over, at all times of the day and on weekends, and in both text and phone calls, and in that moment I knew. I knew that it was something that both terrified me, yet compelled me to find out everything I could. And I did. One good thing about living in the age of internet social connections is that it is very easy to find people. I left her a voicemail - not angry and filled with obscenities (like some of my friends gladly would have done in my shoes) and not desperate filled with pleading sobs. One that was very direct and matter-of-fact and filled with the truth that I did indeed love my husband and I was indeed 9 months pregnant with our second child. I suppose my point was to just let her know that I existed, that I was real, that yes, he has a wife and children.

Of course my calls to him that morning and day were very different. Angry, sobbing, pleading. You name it, I felt it and acted it out. That night he came home from work to "talk". He admitted to some sort of "relationship" with this girl, but denied any intimacy. I still haven't decided what to believe on that level, but I did decide to push her out of the equation I was dealing with. This was and is, much more than some girl. Then he told me he didn't love me, "hated" his life, didn't want these "pregnancies", and other hurtful things that I could not even focus on. I barely remember anything past "I don't love you". Over that weekend and the last two weeks, my emotions have run the gamut. Moving from times of strength and positivity, to bouts of anger and rage, then flowing into episodes of weakness and sadness.

Somehow we managed to successfully pull off a 2 year old's birthday party, and spend the weekend watching my in-laws share in their only grandchild's milestone. Then during the last few days, I watched the anger soften. It became confusion and depression masked by an air of "going through the motions". Then last night I finally saw my opportunity. A chance to get my husband to open up and talk without anger or defensiveness. And so we did. It wasn't happy or hope-filled, but at least it was honest and respectful.

At this point, I do not know what will happen down the road and I have committed to "not attaching to the outcome" of this problem. I accept things as they are in this moment, and hope for some positive outcome. Hoping for a miracle.

It's time for me to go meditate on peace and inner calm. I will tell you more tomorrow.